Hey Y’all. I am so glad to be here. Let me tell you, I wasn’t too sure earlier this week, but I need to back up a might and explain.
Back when I was a youngin’ my ma would take me with her every time she had to shop. Groceries, clothes, don’t matter. I was hardly knee high. At least that’s how I remember it as all I saw was knees and thighs. Every time we went shoppin’ it felt like we were takin’ a day long expedition. I’d get bored and wander off to explore some food product or go divin’ into a rack of clothes to see who was livin’ in ’em. Sometimes ma would grab me and drag me back along with her. Sometimes I’d come out and she’d be gone! All I’d see is women’s legs and dresses. It was so scary. Course, momma always found me if I started screamin’ loud enough.
That left me traumatized. I don’t like shopping’ for nothin’. If I go to the store I get out faster than an egg through a hen. Well this past Monday Darla tells me we need to start doin’ more things together, just ’cause I don’t work as much as I used to. Well, I felt a bit torn. I like being with her, but a fella enjoys laziness every now and then. I asked her what we oughtta do. She says she wants me to go to Costco with her. Tells me it’s a big store and I’ll like shoppin’. Needless to say, I was plum terrified right then and there. Darla just laughs and tells me to get the truck keys. Being the man of the house, that’s what I went and did.
Well we get to this place and let me tell you, that place was more crowded than church at Christmas. Darla tells me it’s a slow day. I was stupefied. There ain’t no way that many people live in our county, let alone our town. She has me get one of their big carts. I could haul a calf in one of them things. Darla needed to order new glasses, and I’ll be darn if they didn’t do that too. After ten minutes though I was so bored I started watchin’ those big televisions they have sitten out. I guess Darla felt sorry for me. She hands me this list and tells me to go find stuff. I saw signs where we was at so I figured findin’ things can’t be too tough.
Oh my lawd! I ain’t never been so wrong in my life. And the people! I’m sorta ‘fraid to say this cause I don’t want no women mad at me, but you all is crazy with your grocery carts! Least wise these ladies were. They were slingin’ those monstrous things around. Tail gatin’ and comin’ around corners like it was some NASCAR time qualifier. I was more nervous than a bull in a squeeze shoot. I stopped on the side to catch my breath. I tell you what, this place was like a scene right out of a horror movie. I see all these women chargin’ left, right, back and forth with their carts, many plumb full of stuff. I bet some of them things weighed 300 lbs or more, and I don’t mean the women. I sees these men with ’em. They’re following close behind lookin’ as scared and lost as I felt. I think they walked behind so they didn’t get run over.
Then out of nowhere I see this old boy pushing a cart like he knows what he is doing. Not only that, he has two little kids with him. I figure if a man can handle two toddlers and that cart I could figure this thing out. I took me a deep breath and got ready to dive back into the chaos. Darla said we needed toilet paper but I was over by the wine and meat. I thought about taking me a swig before trying to get around that store, but reckoned that wasn’t allowed. I figure the toilet paper must be on the other side of that big store from where I was, and decided my best strategy was to start from the back corner and work my way forwards. I got in behind this woman who was movin’ straight and fast and followed her. Wouldn’t you know, back there in the corner was the tp. This weren’t no ordinary package though. This thing came plum up to my chest it had so many rolls in it. I was hopin’ that meant Darla was plannin’ on chili this week.
I was feelin’ all proud of myself when my phone rang. It was Darla askin’ me where I was. Well truth be told I had no idea. I started feelin’ like a little kid again, ‘cept I’d done lost my wife this time. I told her I was near the toilet paper column and she said not to move. Two minutes later there she was. She grabbed hold of that cart and took off out of there faster than our wedding night when she first saw me naked. She had us zooming through that list so fast I still don’t know where we went. I ain’t never seen that side of her. Sorta scared me.
Well I survived, but I think instead of shoppin’ together maybe we should try huntin’. It’s less violent. Y’all be good.