Lucius And The Tax Man

Hey Y’all. I was takin’ it easy this week. Least wise ’til yesterday. I was sittin’ on my porch enjoyin’ me some sweet tea when my phone rings. I thought ’bout ignorin’ it, but Darla put this ringtone on that screams “Whose phone is ringin'” and keeps going. I can’t just let it sit there. I reckon it’s ’cause I kept missin’ her phone calls for some reason. Well, I look at the caller id and it says Tennessee. I don’t know no folks from up that way, but answer to shut that contraption up.

This hard to understand fella says he’s from the IRS and is callin’ me ’cause they have an arrest warrant for not payin’ my taxes. I was fit to be tied. I pay all my taxes on the money I report to the feds. I ask where he is from, on account of the way he talks. He says Tennessee. Well, I don’t ask no more about that. I figure that fella must have a medical condition or somethin’ that causes his speech problem, and the government done gave him a job. I got a third cousin that way, ‘cept he’s on welfare. Well, he does work, but I ain’t suppose to talk about that.

So this tax man tells me the sheriff is gonna come for me. I guess you know he had my attention ’cause I don’t need that deputy comin’ round my property and arrestin’ me. I ask him how much I owe. That fella told me ten thousand dollars! There ain’t no way! I hadn’t reported makin’ that much money to Uncle Sam, never. Well, he comes back and says if I don’t pay it he’s sendin’ the sheriff. Now I don’t want the law comin’ over, but I ain’t got that kind of money neither. I tell him I’m just a part-time corn farmer. I reckon this fella’s alright ’cause he starts negotiatin’.

We get on down to five hundred dollars. I tell him that’s doable as I have it in my cash box. I keep it cloaked under my bed where nobody would think to look. He tells me I can’t pay in cash, I have to give him a check or use a credit card. I explain to him only Darla keeps a credit card ’cause I ain’t got no use for ’em. Unfortunately, she was in town usin’ it right then. He starts gettin’ a little uppity and tellin’ me he’s gone have my family arrested including my siblin’s, my wife, and even my grandparents! I explain to him I don’t think that’s possible since mama and papa ain’t livin’ no more. That made him laugh for some reason. I didn’t really appreciate that, but I remember he has that medical condition so maybe he don’t respond well to sad news. I tell him I can drive to their office tomorrow and pay it. He declares I can only get the negotiated price of one thousand dollars if I pay right now.

Well sir, I was all confused. I know we had said five hundred earlier. So I’m wonderin’ if this old boy has trouble with math. What with his medical condition and all. I’m thinkin’ I best find out where that money is from he’s taxin’ me on. He says it’s on unreported income. Now that got me a might concerned, what with the medicine we cook up in the still and sale to folks round these parts. I ask him where that money is from. He tells me it’s from my employer. Boy, I ain’t never been so relieved. I tell him he must have the wrong fella ’cause I don’t have no employer. All of a sudden he starts talkin’ real fast and tellin’ me he’s gonna arrest my family again. He reels off he’s arresting my wife and my husband. Well sir, that did it. I know that ain’t me. I told him I don’t have no husband, and if I did I doubt I’d be havin’ a wife too.

I reckon he couldn’t handle it no more and thought he needed to pray ’bout the situation cause he raises his voice and starts speakin’ in tongues. Now I’ve heard ’bout them churches in the Tennessee hills. Folks up that way playin’ with snakes and all sorts of weird things. So I wait for him to take a breath, that took awhile by the way. I tell him we are good Southern Baptist down in these parts and don’t cotton to no snake handlin’ talk. I guess he took that a might personal. He started uses language that would make my mama blush, and like I was sayin before, she ain’t livin’. I told that ole boy that I didn’t care if he did have a medical condition, that kinda language weren’t fit for a government job. Poor fella must of been fit to be tied ’cause he just hung up right then and there.

It’s been a couple days, so I reckon the Sheriff ain’t comin’ for me. This is why folks ’round here don’t care none for revenuers or the tax man. They need to teach these boys some manners. Y’all be good.

The Daily Post – Cloaked

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