Lucius Goes Fishing

Hey y’all. I had me one heck of a day this week. My buddy Lukus invited me to go fishing. He’s got a stump removal business. Right good at it from what I hear. Well, it’s been powerful hot, so I thought maybe we could get some swimmin’ in while we was tryin’ to hook us up some dinner.

Lukus took me out in his boat. His boat is one of those aluminum jobs with a big ole engine strapped on the back. That’s so you can get going real fast and then stop 10 yards offshore to drop your line. It’s also somethin’ painful to touch when that sun’s been beatin’ down on that aluminum. Not sure what fella came up with that kind a boat. Probably from up north where they don’t get no heat ‘cept a few weeks a year.

Anyway, there we was fishin’. Sat in that boat for two hours. I swear the water in the bottom of the boat was from our sweat, not the lake. I told Lukus I was ready to give up and we ought to go swimmin’. He told me to wait, he wanted to chum the waters. Then ole Lukus pulls out a stick a dynamite! I says, “Lukus you nut!? That’s dynamite!”

He just says, “I know.” He has this big stupid grin that looks even dumber with his cigarette hanging off his bottom lip. Before I could ask what the heck was going on, that man put the fuse up to his face and lit it with that stupid cigarette and then threw it in the water near the boat! The dynamite lit off and let me tell you. Water went sprayin’ everywhere. The bottom of that bathtub Lukus called a boat rumbled something terrible. I thought for sure we was dead. I start yellin’ and was one second away from a swear word I was workin’ up to when this fish floats up to the surface.

I promise you, he looked six pounds if he was an ounce. I got real quiet. It wasn’t right to cuss at a man who got us a fish that size. We rowed the boat over to get our prize. Lukus puts in his net and pulls it out. Son of a gun! That lunatic done blowed off half that beautiful fish. Even Lukus said a cuss word. Well, he just threw him back in the water. By now, I was thinkin’ maybe we could finally go swimming when we heard a splash. Off at the shore we see this alligator that’s slid into the water. Now that old boat was around 8 foot, and that gator was a good 4 feet longer.

Lukus grabbed hold of the pull line on that engine and yanked. Nothin’ happened. The gator kept comin’.  I grabbed both oars and started to row away for all I was worth! Lukus kept cranking that engine, and not a darn thing. Well, I figured that fish must have been a buddy of that gator because he went right past it and was heading straight for our boat! He was gainin’ too! He got about 10 feet away when old Lukus dropped that silly cigarette from his lips. Next thing I hear is hissin’. Now I think a snake has done climb on up in the boat. I look down and see smoke coming from Lukus’ tackle box. That’s when I realize that maniac has lit off another stick of dynamite. Well sir, I stop rowin’ and dive for the back of that boat where his tackle box is sittin’. I grab that stick and throw it back behind us. It sank and that big ole alligator just swam right over top.

The explosion lifted that gator plumb above the water. I guess he was shook up pretty bad ’cause he just sat there and floated. I thought for a minute he might be dead, and I’d be in trouble. Next thing I know old Lukus slaps me on the shoulder and says, “What’ya know, I didn’t have the thing turned on.” He turned the key and that engine started in one pull. I guess that woke up big Al because he turned tail and dove under that water. The moral of the story is, never go fishing with someone that removes stumps. Y’all be good.

I never did get no swimmin’ in.

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